The Lamest Show On Earth

Now that I have your attention.

We went to the circus last weekend. I've spent the last seven days shaking off the residual effects. The screaming nightmares have finally subsided. The uncontrollable crying has not.

People have all sorts of reasons to hate the circus. The animal rights people believe the performing animals are treated cruelly. Nativists demand to know why Chinese acrobats are taking jobs that rightfully belong to American acrobats. People like me feel uneasy when the clowns come out to strains of Rock and Roll Part 2 as performed by kiddie-molester Gary Glitter.

The theme for this performance was Circus of Dreams. For those of you old enough to remember when the networks would have Saturday Morning Preview Specials, you may also remember when they would have a showcase where, say, Lee Majors and some kids would be involved in a stupidly contrived adventure where the new kids programming would be premiered. That's about the same level of sophistication as Ringling Brothers now brings to the table.

I will say this, the actual acts were entertaining and amazing. The narrative arc to bring them together really ruined the whole deal. Having some besequined Betty belt out the "Circus of Dreams" theme song for what felt like twenty minutes seemed a little over the top, however. Much like the food served, they really could have done without all the filler.

Needless to say, the boys got the most bang for the entertainment dollar when one of the elephants crapped in the middle of the stage. It may have been the only time the kids laughed out loud.

Unfortunately, they were still pale from the clowns. Either that or the automatic focus on my camera sucks.

Their color soon returned for the Globe of Death. Next to elephants shitting, it was clearly their favorite. It contains both motorcycles and bodily harm. What more could a kid want?

Other, than to get out of there, of course. With the exception of a few truly talented circus performers, I've seen better stuff on Circus of the Stars.

The best part of the day, for my money, was hot dogs after the show at Hot Diggity Dogs. For the kids, it will always be the day they watched an elephant take a dump where the Predators play.