Thank Heaven for Little Girls

Walter Jowers has a touching column about his daughter in this week's Scene. Like many men, he wanted a son and settled for a girl. He soon learned that having a daughter was an unexpected delight.

Before Mrs. Sarcastro and I learned the sex of our forthcoming male child, Knucklehead and I were discussing kids over a couple of cold beers. He told me with a gleam in his eye how cool it was to have a daughter. It makes you step up your game a few notches. He wished a daughter upon me.

Now, I don't know nuthin' about raisin' no girl child. I grew up in a house where the men outnumbered the woman three to one. That is the current ratio under my roof as well. The boys and I are able to fart, burp, loudly announce our intentions to go "drop the Browns off at the Super Bowl", and generally be rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Boys will be boys after all.

Wouldn't we have to change our ways if a girl child came into the picture? Gone would be the days of insinuating a weak femininity towards the boys because they whine about their food touching on the plate. No longer could the word "girl" be used in a pejorative sense. As in, "You fight/hit/throw/cry/argue like a little girl."

It may be a genetically encoded deal that we menfolk think we are supposed to produce boys. It continues the bloodline, such as it is. A man without sons is not a man, we are told thanks to the Bible, the history of the world's monarchies and the Chinese government.

What life skills do I have that I could pass on to my daughter? Kicking 35-yard field goals, shooting pool and cheating at cards are areas of expertise that are not considered desirable in young girls. Unless, of course, she's Tatum O'Neal.

When we went to get the ultra-sound that would determine the baby's gender, we had discussed our preferences. First and foremost, as long as the kid isn't born with the heart on the outside or a damn set of fins and a blowhole, we don't care if it is a boy or girl. When the tech showed us the child's little hammer hanging between his legs we were both very happy. Mrs. Sarcastro felt relieved as she had only previously raised male children and wouldn't have to break stride. She probably wasn't looking forward to the years from about 13-21 with a daughter. I also felt that this would be easier as I would not wind up going to jail for shooting teenage boys.

I couldn't help but feel a twinge of melancholy, though. A sort-of feeling of a missed opportunity had passed by. I wouldn't ever know the challenges of girl-raising. That gleam in my eye would be different from the gleam in Knuck's eye.

Having a daughter would have been pretty cool.