What's In A Name?

We have chosen a name for the forthcoming male child. This was not an easy process.

The elimination criteria was as follows:

Name belonging to a current living relative that would cause confusion.
Name belonging to a current living relative who is a jerk.
Name belonging to a current living relative who would believe the child was namesaked as some sort of tribute or honor when none is intended.
Name belonging to a former relative by marriage.
Name belonging to anyone from either of our pasts who:
picked his nose and ate what he found in the third grade
wet the bed at camp-outs
stood someone up at the prom
grew up to be a mass-murderer
wore an ugly shirt this one time
listened to The Cure
played Dungeons & Dragons
ratted me out for buying the beer for that kick-ass soccer team party after we won the state championship and caused me to get suspended from school for three days.

Names that are also western states and cities.
Names belonging to members of the Rat Pack.
Names belonging to my favorite superheroes.
Names belonging to Bible characters. My revenge for the previous two being off-limits.
and of course,
Names that end in the letter "N".

The letter "N" rule is in full force and non-negotiable. Even 8 and 11 have signed on with that one. Whenever the boys have baseball, inevitably the roster sounds like this:

Jaden
Dylan
Tristan
Austin
Brandon
Cameron
Dylan #2
Chris*
and batting last,
Dylan #3

*The one normal kid. In all likelihood mine. Although he usually bats higher in the order.

Given the prevalence of the above names, especially amongst the gloriously unsophisticated members of our community, I'm sad to see that the trend in the trailer park has moved away from naming boys Donnie, Lonnie, Wayne, Darrell and Lamar. It was always an easy signifier of education level when someone told you their kid's name and it happened to be the same as their favorite NASCAR driver. However, no matter how much you try to "class" up your kid's name, you still live in the trailer park. Kind of like how developers think if they name the subdivision "Buckinghamshire", no one will notice that every home is a vinyl-sided cracker box with substandard framing and a water-logged crawlspace built on top of the swamp that the PCB manufacturer down the road used as an "offsite storage facility".

So, we finally came to a decision after all of that. Or at least we have as of this writing. A lot could change between now and March. As recently as a few weeks ago, the kid's name was Patrick. Or Trent. I forget which. It pretty much came down to a list of names that we didn't both hate.

The kid's actual name will be revealed shortly after he starts breathing air instead of whatever it is that fetuses breathe so as not to jinx it.